How to manage conflicts

Introduction to conflict management

by Pernille Yde Planck, January 2021

As a new leader, it can be difficult to know which conflicts to resolve, when to seek help, and how conflicts should be managed at all. In this article, you will gain insight into these questions.

Center for Conflict Resolution has defined conflict as: “Conflicts are disagreements that involve tensions within and between people.”

The definition mentions both internal tensions and tensions between people. It does so because a conflict can exist even if the other party is unaware of it. If there are internal tensions within a person due to a conflict, then that individual is in conflict.

Three different approaches to conflict management

When you, as a leader, need to work with conflicts, there are different approaches depending on the type of conflict.

Firstly, there is what we call ordinary conflict management. This typically involves finding a solution to a conflict in which you are personally involved. In other words, you are one of the parties in the conflict.

A second approach, which can be relevant for leaders, is when you need to address inappropriate behavior by an employee because you want the employee to adjust their behavior. In these cases, you should use the techniques associated with difficult conversations.

Finally, there is the approach that deals with mediation in conflicts between others. For example, two employees may have a conflict and come to you, as their leader, because they want you to resolve the conflict.

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Mediation in conflicts between two employees

As a leader, you can and should resolve instrumental conflicts and conflicts of interest between two employees. In instrumental conflicts, you engage in dialogue; in conflicts of interest, you negotiate.

Instrumental conflicts are, for example, disagreements about how a task should be accomplished. In conflicts of interest, the focus is often on scarce resources such as time, money, equipment, access to systems, space, etc. Both types of conflicts are essentially about a matter where a solution must be found.

If a conflict has escalated into a personal conflict, that is an entirely different matter. In those cases, we at CfL generally recommend that you avoid becoming involved. You risk becoming a party to the conflict when you try to mediate.

As a leader, you still need to ensure that the conflict is resolved. In cases of personal conflicts, you can seek help from your organization’s HR department or possibly an external conflict mediator. The same applies to other major or difficult conflicts between two employees.

If you still attempt to mediate in a personal conflict because you think you should resolve minor conflicts on your own, there are some points you must remember. Naturally, you must listen carefully to both parties. Once both have had the opportunity to speak, you need to secure a concrete and clear mandate from each. In other words, both employees must clearly indicate that they feel sufficiently heard and are 100% satisfied with the outcome.

This clear mandate is important for any future conflicts between the employees. If the conflict flares up again with a new issue and there is uncertainty about the mandate, one employee may feel that you sided with the other in the previous conflict. You thus risk becoming an involuntary party to the conflict because one party believes you “took sides.”

Think about your language

In conflicts, you can either use language that escalates the conflict (escalating language) or language that defuses it (defusing language). Therefore, it is important to be aware of which language you use—and naturally, you should use defusing language. With defusing language, you speak in “I” statements, listen fully, show genuine interest, and ask open questions. You are very specific and clearly express your desires. You focus on the present rather than the future, and you address the problem directly.

If, on the other hand, you say “you always do that too,” interrupt, seem disinterested in the conversation, or ask leading questions, you escalate the conflict with your language.

You may well find yourself in a situation where the person you are in conflict with uses escalating language. In that situation, try to compose yourself and use defusing language. That is, stay in your own lane, speak in “I” statements, and remember to listen.

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Would you like to learn more about conflict management?

In the course “Conflict Management and Good Cooperation,” you will gain a basic understanding of why people act and react as they do, and you will train your skills in managing conflicts.

The course is aimed at everyone—both employees and leaders—who wish to improve their conflict management skills.

Face the conflict openly

Center for Conflict Resolution has presented three responses to conflicts: avoiding, responding aggressively, and facing the conflict openly.

When one avoids, one puts on a mask, smooths things over, represses, or pretends there is no conflict. Responding aggressively can mean attacking or threatening, using sarcasm, or ignoring the other party.

In both of these negative responses, you cut yourself off from engaging in a constructive dialogue about the conflict. That is not beneficial, because it is through constructive dialogue that new, effective solutions are found—solutions that benefit both the conflicting parties and the organization.

If you predominantly avoid or respond aggressively during a conflict, it may also indicate an unhelpful recurring pattern that would be beneficial to change.

At CfL, we always recommend facing the conflict openly. That means agreeing that you disagree, investigating what the issue is really about, daring to ask questions, and being clear about where you stand and what you need to move forward.

 

Use the conflict management model’s four steps

I will now explain a conflict management model from Center for Conflict Resolution. The model consists of four steps—each with sub-steps—and can be a useful tool if you are in a conflict and need guidance to resolve it.

Step 1

The first step of the model is to approach the conflict openly. This means making direct contact with the person you are in conflict with and initiating dialogue. You must lower your defenses and be ready to say, “I am ready for us to resolve this and move forward.”

Step 2

The second step is to uncover the real problem. Each party tells their side of the story without interruption. Then, together, you identify the main aspects of the conflict. It can be easier to address the issue if you separate the people from the problems—perhaps by organizing the issues into themes.

You might discover that you have different needs and interests. Once you have uncovered the real problem, it becomes clearer what the conflict is truly about.

Step 3

Once the issue is clarified, you can start exploring solutions. A conflict often arises because one party wants to go in one direction while the other wants to go in another. Therefore, you need to find alternative solutions or a “third way.”

When searching for alternative solutions, brainstorm in relation to the needs and interests that emerged when you uncovered the issue. The solutions you find must be tested. Are both parties satisfied with these solutions? Do they address the identified interests? Do they resolve the conflict as uncovered?

Step 4

The final step in the conflict resolution model is to make an objective decision. You must establish concrete agreements with objective criteria that both parties agree on as the method for resolving the issue moving forward.

It is also a good idea to agree on a follow-up. Depending on the matter and the scope of the conflict, you might, for example, agree to review the situation in a month to see if both parties are on track and whether the agreed-upon solution has resolved the conflict.

Manage the conflicts

At CfL, we encourage you as a leader to ensure that you manage the conflicts you encounter along your journey. It is rarely the conflicts themselves that create chaos or disaster, but rather the ineffective way in which they are handled.

Systems theorist Peter Lang has said: “Behind every conflict lies a frustrated dream.”

Conflicts can arise because we want something—but perhaps not the same thing. When we manage conflicts effectively, we can hopefully find solutions that allow us to realize our dreams for the benefit of the organization.

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Susanne Hommelgaard

Susanne Hommelgaard
Senior advisor

T: +45 5154 4166
M: suh@cfl.dk

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